Step One: What is expected of us?

Before you read what I’ve written take a moment to answer these questions.What is expected of you as a women, a mother, a sister, a wife?  Do these expectations help you or hurt you?

I’ve spoken to hundreds of women, from all walks of life. The one thing that is constant for all of us is that in small and large ways we’ve been brainwashed by our families, society, friends and even our kids to believe that it is our job to live up to what others expect, need and want from us. The thing that I’ve noticed with women in general is that we don’t question why it should be US who fill everyone’s needs. As a mother, yes, it is our job to fill our children’s needs to a certain point—but have you taken a moment to notice how broad reaching this response of ours is—from volunteering in the classroom, to being the first up from the table to clean the dishes. Where do these expectations come from—the ones that benefit everyone but US. We don’t want to seem selfish, or bitchy, or ‘god forbid’ manipulative or controlling by asking for what we want, or expecting for someone to bring us a cup of water once in a while.

The steps we take are not going to be about complaining (although venting as I did above is very good for the soul—just vent to one of us) but about recognizing patterns, noticing personal responses and then finding the courage and tools to change in a way that allows you to value yourself and in this case to set your own expectations.

So, if you took the time to answer the questions I suggested, and if you are like hundreds of women I’ve spoken with, your expectation list might read something like this:

To be available (whenever) for anyone who needs you
To be skilled at cooking, housekeeping and child raising
To volunteer with a smile, contribute to the community, and be knowledgeable
To be polite, not too demanding, to be pleasant while being assertive
To be attractive
To be good at problem solving, conflict resolution and family mediation
To be a great listener, even when the subject matter bores you to death

OK, your list may be much longer than this. Take some time to really ruminate on the concept. Go back to your childhood or wherever the messages began that made you believe that to be ‘liked’ (an unfortunate goal that keeps most of us stuck for our whole lives) was important. Maybe even the most important thing for a girl/woman. If you are thinking now that you are someone who doesn’t care if people like you—ask yourself this—In the last 48 hours did you do anything you really did not want to do? Why?

On to the next part of this step. Do the expectations you have come to accept as your own (even though many of them are ingrained in our family and social structure so have seeped into you without your thinking about them) help or hurt you? Do they lead you to where you want to be? Do they help you grow stronger, more yourself, more independent and able to create the life you want? Or do they hold you in place, like treading water indefinitely, waiting for some event to happen in your life that will allow you the chance to swim freely away to the island in the distance.

I hope I’ve gotten you thinking. Rest assured; I understand you have responsibilities. The path we are on is not about shirking them or running away. It is about noticing why you feel the way you do and how you can learn to value yourself while you live up to your responsibilities. So for the next 5 days notice each time you say yes to someone’s expectations when you really want to say NO. Note where the idea came from to begin with that filling this expectation is your job. Then ask yourself if acting this way is helping you become who you want to be.